Doctor Hatori
by Inu-Moon94
Summary: This is just a very random parody I thought of with Hatori being a person like Dr.Phil! XD You do not have to like Dr.Phil to like this story because personally, I HATE HIM! It's rated T just to be safe!
1. Chapter 1: Kyou

Dr.Hatori

By

Inu-Moon94

**AN:** I just thought of this very freaky idea since Dr.Phil sorta just popped into my mind all of a sudden since my mind was blank and all... Well, Hatori is taking the place of Dr.Phil and advising some of his troubled family members and their problems...XD! Please enjoy and R&R!

I'm gonna exaggerate the characters personality traits a lot so don't say I OOCed them out or anything. . .

Hatori may sadly end up sounding OOC as well but oh well! Just don't constantly nag me on their OOCness or else I'll kills ya. . .!  
(Just kiddings. . . I will get mad or sorta mad though and it's not nice to aggravate a fanfic author. . .D )

'Kay, my anger's over now so you can now read the story and enjoy yourself for real!XD;;

****

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

Hatori walked onto the stage and sat on his black leather chair that sadly wasn't a wheelie chair like the one in his office... Sadly, he wasn't in his office either, he was instead now a very popular psychiatrist person that people messed up in the head came to...

The worst part about his brand new career was that weird problematic ladies much older than him had the **hots** for him and constantly swarming him... He could tell and it was his first day on the job! Well, first day on the live part anyways...

Hatori immediantly recognized his first client, it was none other than the orange-haired Cat and Outcast of the Sohmas...

Kyou Sohma! He immediantly remembered what his problem was and what the solution would be... Anger management classes that were paid and taken care of by him!

Actually, Hatori hated the fact that he had to pay for Kyou's anger management classes... Kyou lived with Shigure so it was completely Shigure's responsibility to pay for the expensive classes...

"Stupid Shigure. . . Does that guy have any clue how much those classes cost?"

But Shigure was never dependable to him no matter what and he usually ended up doing all the work, so he shook his head and very quietly sighed and sigh that was not very audible to regular people with regular hearing...

"Maybe a superhero like Superman could have heard my sigh. . ."

Hatori was sort of pissed that his crew chose Kyou to be the first person that he had to advise. After all, Kyou was related to him and what if his love... His _ex_-love Kana saw him advising his own cousin on the show!

It would completely bring down his dignity in front of her! He shook that thought out of his mind and looked straight towards Kyou.

"I hope that Kana isn't watching this! I don't want her to see me advising my own family member!"

Despite how the sensitive Dragon felt, he looked completely calm and even a bit cold and strict as always. He continued on looking at Kyou silently until he finally remembered his lines which was exactly in a minute.

****

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

"So Kyou... Do you know why you are here today?" Hatori asked in his usual tone.

Kyou shot a glare at Hatori and answered,"Because that Akito made me..."

Hatori knew that this would take forever so he decided to answer his question himself. "No, you are here because of your temper Kyou. You have to learn how to control it and not take it out on others."

Kyou stood up from the black leather sofa angrily and exclaimed,"I don't take out my temper on others! I only give them what they deserve!"

Hatori looked at Kyou with his coldest look that he usually only used on Shigure and somewhat commanded,"Sit down now Kyou."

"I hope Kana isn't watching this idiocracy. . . I hope Kana isn't watching this idiocracy. . ." Hatori continued on chanting that repeatedly in his mind until Kyou sat down which was in a moment.

"Take deep breaths Kyou and just let your anger vent out of you." Hatori commanded with his usual tone back.

As Kyou took deep breaths his anger slowly did fade and Hatori smiled at him. "Now Kyou, how do you let out your anger?"

Kyou looked at Hatori and answered,"I just have a fight or two... Or sometimes I storm off to the dojo and start training... That's all though..."

"Are you sure Kyou? Well, we'll see..." Hatori walked up to the grey coloured television and clicked some buttons on it to turn on a video of Kyou's anger.

Hatori found it endlessly cheap that the crew didn't even buy a remote for the television. It pissed him off how he had to pay for the treatments and they couldn't even get him a proper client let alone a remote!

_"Those cheap bastards!"_

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

The video came on and he quickly sat back down, spotting some man on his crew dimming the lights. It all seemed very corny to him, even though the audience was obviously very into the lame video that Shigure had videotaped.

Shigure promised him that he would videotape everything for him to owe him back for not helping him to pay for the _treatments _for all the clients that were from his home.

The video shocked Hatori completely, he had to admit that Shigure did a pretty good job at secretly videotaping the Cat's wrath.

"It's surprisingly brilliant even though it's done by such a dumb person. . ."

The video basically had some typical spazzes made by Kyou at Shigure's house but it was still amazing as to how Shigure videotaped all of the spazzes without anyone seeing him.

"I suppose Shigure really can travel into walls and disappear if he videotaped all of that. . ."

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

When the video was over, some man cornily turned on the lights again and Hatori got up to close the grey television.

He had to admit that Kyou's spazzes seemed pretty bad and irregular when videotaped.

"Kyou, you must admit that you do indeed throw out your anger a lot in one day... You do not just do a fight or two, you create a storm or two with many huge fights..." Hatori said, reciting all his lines that he remembered.

"Who knows why they're giving me lines like these. . . Oh well, it's all part of a day's work I suppose. . ."

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

Kyou had actually been given lines as well even though he doubted that he would follow them. His lines included him welling up with tears like they did in typical talk shows. Hatori also doubted very much that Kyou wouldn't dare cry or get tears in his eyes on a show that was being broadcasted all over Japan! He had heard that even a dubbed version was made of his show and was being broadcasted in North America!

Before Hatori could continue on doubting Kyou, he looked at Kyou's face and was utterly shocked and startled.

His spazzing Outcast cousin, the Cat of the Sohmas, Kyou Sohma actually got tears welling up in his eyes! On a live show!

Hatori knew that they had somehow bribed him to do that..

"But what did they bribe him with?"

Kyou looked up at Hatori with his teary eyes and said,"I know Hatori, I know... I want to stop my spazzes, I really do... But I just can't... I-I-I can't!"

****

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

Hatori spotted Kyou look quickly at the audience and he saw the anger starting to enter into him. He looked at the direction that Kyou was glaring at and saw Yuki hugging Tohru...

"Oh boy. . . He's gonna blow!"

Hatori's thought was perfectly correct. Kyou stood up from the sofa and started running towards the back of the audience. The audience was screaming and Hatori saw that it was because of a corny sign that the man who turned the lights on and off had held up.

The sign had sloppily said 'SCREAM!'.

_"These people are desperate. . ." _Hatori thought as he watched Kyou run to the back of the audience.

****

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

Kyou reached Yuki and Tohru who had quickly let go of their embrace when the raging Cat had came. "Yuki, what were you doing to Tohru!" Kyou asked angrily.

Yuki calmly looked at Kyou and answered,"Ms.Honda needed some comforting so I simply hugged her. I did nothing that should make you storm all the way back here."

"Why you little---!" Kyou exclaimed, curling his left hand into a fist and lunging it towards Yuki.

Yuki dodged it easily and punched Kyou in the face. The Rat and the Cat continued on fighting for a bit until Tohru exclaimed,"Kyou, Yuki, STOP! You'll get yourself hurt!"

Tohru soon stopped their fight in a few minutes and Kyou somewhat calmed down and came back to the black leather sofa, facing Hatori again.

That whole scene had been videotaped and even though Hatori seemed like he usually was, he was very embarrised.

"What if Kana saw that? What would she think?"

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

Hatori quickly looked at his wristwatch and realized that the show had to be finished in 10 minutes...

"Well, it'll take the rolling ending credits a minute, introducing Kyou's class would take about 7 minutes so I'll just start improvising on my lines now. . ."

"Well Kyou, do not worry for I have a solution for you." Hatori said, looking at his watch.

He was going to waste a minute on suspense since there was still a bit more time left for that suspense stuff they did in lots of shows that usually pissed people off.

Kyou glared at him and exclaimed,"What solution?"

"I have paid and taken care of very special anger management classes for you!" Hatori said, the thought aggravated him but he had to smile so he smiled.

"WHAT?" Kyou exclaimed at him in an aggravated tone. Before Kyou could start to spaz, the anger management class's teacher came and introduced herself to Kyou. She then dragged him away and he glared at Hatori, shouting things at him.

Hatori ignored him completely and said,"Well, that was Kyou Sohma. I sure hope that the classes help him turn into a person that can control his temper better than anyone in his family!"

"They better work, I paid for those expensive classes!"

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

All of a sudden, a very short introduction video of his next client came on the television and some narrator started saying things about...

"Hatsuharu? How far will these people go to humiliate me here?"

Hatori then remembered that it was Shigure that sent tapes that he taped to the crew of the stupid show and then they made some dumb script with it.

"That damn Shigure! Wait till I get him for videotaping one of our family members again. . . Oh well, at least he didn't videotape Kana. . ."

!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA**--!**

That thought had relieved him and all of a sudden the credits started coming and he quickly said good bye to the audience and left the stage.

The credits said many random names but his name was first and it was surprisingly as small as everyone else's names...

He saw that Shigure and Ayame's names were much bigger and didn't really mind even though he wondered why Ayame's costume shop's name, Ayame's, would be so huge for just making one little suit for him.

He also wondered why Shigure had gotten a logo and wrote his penname for the problem videotaper...

"That idiot must be wanting to get even more popular, I suppose."

Hatori quickly left the place with his script and drove over to the Main House. He was going to memorize his script in his office because it's much more peaceful and quieter plus it had Kana's picture to motivate him!

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--! **_

**AN: **That was weird, eh? The next chapter may be even weirder but oh well! The point of this story is to be weird! Like moi! Plus, the weirder a story is, the more enjoyable it becomes!XD! ((I still can't get over the fact that Dr.Phil popped into my mind! I bet I must've really been hypnotized by the songs to randomly think of Dr.Phil...XD;;))


	2. Chapter 2: Hatsuharu

**AN: **I nearly finished the entire chapter, but then my bitch of a computer had to screw up TWICE and not let me save my chapter's part before making everything mess up TWICE. Damn it!

Now, I will remember all that I typed up and re-type it for all of your sakes.

Thank you everyone who reviewed for reviewing. I appreciate it and it calms me a bit more about having to re-type my chapter.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Furuba.

**AN... Again:** Aren't disclaimers so repetitive? I mean, obviously I don't own Furuba!!! Like, what the hell, people?

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

Chapter Two

After a long week of medical paperwork, Doctor Hatori Sohma walked on the stage of his overrated show.

As he was doing that, all of the audience members applauded him and he smiled back at them. He also waved back at them like he was told to by the crew members.

_"Why do the audience members applaud when the person's coming onto the stage? It's such a stupid act of respect!"_

He spotted a sign that sloppily said 'APPLAUD' in pink paint way over his head.

_"So much for respect. . . They're just doing it because of that sign with the tacky pink letters. . ."_

Just when he was about to sit down on his black leather chair with no wheels, some women whistled pervertedly at him and he inwardly twitched. If he wasn't being broadcasted all around the world, he would have twitched and probably even have glared at the women that had whistled at him.

_"The nerve they have! I'm taken!"_

The Dragon then remembered that he was taken years ago and sadly thought,_"Well, I WAS taken. . ."_

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

Hatori sat down on his black leather chair and looked at the audience with a smile, then did the introduction that he had to do.

He did a short, friendly wave at the audience and greeted,"Hello everybody! I am Doctor Hatori, and today our guest will be Hatsuharu Sohma."

Hatori had made up a solution for Hatsuharu himself to fool the public. He hadn't told anyone in his family about his false plan yet just in case it got slipped loose into the public's ear, but was going to right after the show.

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

Hatori didn't say the lines that hosts, and hostesses usually said to make their guests come for he knew that Hatsuharu wasn't there yet thanks to his horrible sense of direction.

_"I swear, Hatsuharu has worse sense of direction than a two year old's!"_

The Doctor knew that he couldn't stay silent for it was a television show, so he decided to do what he was supposed to do at the end just to buy some extra time for both his and Hatsuharu's sake.

"Let us watch how our last patient, Kyou, is doing at his anger management classes!"

He stood up from his chair and clicked a few buttons on the grey television mounted on the wall.

_"This television's cheap with no remote AND is hard to start. . . What a cheap crew I work with. . ."_

Hatori turned around from the television once the video started and quickly reached his chair, then sat down.

_"Now, let's hope that Hatsuharu doesn't arrive in the middle of the video. . ."_

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

Hatori Sohma was fairly curious about how Kyou was doing in the video, but didn't show it for he was supposed to watch the video before hand to 'not see it as the pathetic fools [the audience sees it. He was very busy with his job as a Doctor that he valued far more than being a psychiatrist.

Before showing the results of the anger management classes on Kyou, they gave a short, four minute long introduction on Kyou's anger management teacher, Miss Hikari Sitagawa.

The anger management teacher did not talk about Kyou's progress at all. Instead, she introduced herself, then bragged about how high the success rate was if a person enrolled in her class, how many credits and stuff she got for her job, how everyone came to her for anger management advice, and more boring stuff.

_"Oh yeah, lady. Use your television time to brag about yourself. . . Stupid __narcissist__."_

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

**AN: **Narcissist: People obsessed/in love with themselves.

[Just in case you didn't know. I found out the meaning of that word a few weeks ago and I think it's nifty and funny.

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

Hatori thought that Hikari looked almost like Kana, so he forgave her. _"Well, I forgive you for being a narcissist for you look like my long, lost love Kana."_

Despite the fact that Kana had married some other man shortly after he had erased her memories, he still loved her and missed her all the same.

Akito, the sadistic one, had often hinted to Hatori that Kana was nothing but a playerette marrying decent men to sleep with them and dispose them later just to break their hearts, but he paid no attention to those hints.

The 'God' knew nothing about love, after all!

_"Come on, you boring version of Kana! Show Kyou's progress already!"_

As if Hikari had heard his thought, Kyou's progress started showing.

Kyou's progress pissed Hatori off beyond belief for it was not successful at all and he had wasted all of his month's paycheck just to pay for his classes.

_"And you said you rocked at this stuff. . . Yeah, right, you lying narcissist that scams innocent men out of their money!"_

After a few moments, something got aired that nearly made Hatori grin and laugh his head off.

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

What Kyou had done that had nearly made Hatori lose his calm manner was discover the security camera embedded in one of the walls of the classroom where Miss Sitagawa attempted to make him learn how to control his anger.

He had first spazzed about the camera to his teacher, then destroyed it with a karate kick.

_"Ha, ha, ha. Though that definately made me seem stupid to many people, one of them possibly even being Kana, that was priceless. Maybe now I can get a refund and get my month's pay back to buy me some books. . ."_

Hatori stood up and closed the television by clicking enough buttons to drive someone insane, then sat back down in his black leather chair with no wheels.

_"If there were wheels in this chair, I could spin and spin and spin to my heart's content until Hatsuharu would arrive. . ."_

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

After the funny video, Hatori waited for Hatsuharu for a short moment and when he wouldn't come, decided to buy himself some time with the worst method in media...

A commercial break.

He faced the camera plus the audience members with his 'made for television' smile.

"We'll be back right after this break and hopefully Hatsuharu will join us by then!" He exclaimed to make sure that everyone heard him as his cheap crew had given him no microphone-like thing.

_"Cheap bastards. . ."_

The audience strangely laughed at that and Hatori saw a sloppily written 'LAUGH!' sign way above his head.

_"They're still desperate. . ."_

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

While the advertisements were coming on, Hatori hoped beyond hope that Hatsuharu would come after the commercial break was over.

_"Come on, you ol' Cow! Prove to me that your sense of direction isn't that bad!"_

As if Hatsuharu had heard Hatori's thoughts, he reached the studio just when the commercial break ended.

The spotlight that was over Hatori's head and strangely not making his sweat even one bit like most hosts and hostesses followed Hatsuharu as he made his way towards the stage.

A few of the audience members were clearly intimidated by how Hatsuharu looked but either Hatsuharu didn't notice their expressions or he just didn't care.

Once Hatsuharu reached the stage and sat down on the sofa across from Hatori, the spotlight rested in the middle to make both Hatsuharu and himself shine.

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

"So, Hatsuharu..." Doctor Hatori began in his usual calm yet somewhat cold and strict looking manner. "Do you know why you are here?"

"Because Sensei told me that this would be my big break to stardom." Hatsuharu replied.

_"Are you crazy, Shigure? Do you find being thought as a nutcase by everyone _stardom_?"_

Hatori shook his head and answered,"No, you are here because of your moodswings."

"My moodswings don't create THAT much harm."

"Well, we'll see about that..." Hatori stood up for what he thought was the billionth time to turn on the television, then sat back down on his leather chair.

The man that held up the horribly written signs dimmed the lights as the video began.

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

The video amazed Hatori and made him wonder how Shigure videotaped all of the footage.

The first scene in the video was a scene of Hatsuharu and Kyou talking to each other, then Kyou saying something that upset Hatsuharu, then creating a fight between the two.

The other scene was in Hatsuharu's school where the School President made him turn to his 'Black' side all because he thought that his white hair was unnatural.

_"How does Shigure videotape this stuff? And he videotaped it so perfectly too! He ought to have become a videotaper instead of a smut novelist. . ."_

Hatori was relieved that Hatsuharu didn't react and go over to his 'Black' side over the clip. When the video was over, Hatori didn't bother going over to close the television since it looked closed anyways.

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

The lights very cornily came back on slowly and Hatori turned to face Hatsuharu.

"So, things that make you angry make you _snap_?" Hatori asked, stating what he thought was the obvious. Most of the audience members were rather dense and gullible, so he didn't care how dumb that line sounded to him.

Hatsuharu suddenly scowled and snapped,"What do you mean, snap?"

He stood up with so much force that the sofa tilted and nearly fell. The audience members gasped and Hatori didn't even have to look up to check for a sign since their gasps all sounded very cheesy and unreal.

"Sit down now, Hatsuharu." Hatori said in his coldest tone that intimidated and even frightened many people.

Hatsuharu sat down and his scowl vanished from his face.

"Oh, I'm sorry." He apologized.

"It's alright." Hatori said, though he was somewhat upset at Hatsuharu.

_"You could have destroyed that hideously corny sofa and then I would have had to pay for it!"_

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

After a short moment of silence just to drive the audience crazy since he felt somewhat crazy himself, (_"Oh dear, am I turning sadistic?"_), he told the audience the solution to Hatsuharu's moodswinging.

The truth was that Hatori had made up the solution and that the solution could not solve Hatsuharu's moodswinging at all, though it could solve a female's. He had decided to pass him some female 'period' pills that females used to low down their moodswings.

_"Kana never moodswinged. . ."_ Hatori thought, nearly blushing. _"Did she perhaps use these pills?" _

Hatori hadn't told any of his family members about his made-up solutions as well in case it got to the public, but he planned to tell them right after the show was over so that Hatsuharu wouldn't harm his health and actually eat the pills.

"The solution to your mood switches are these..." He pulled out a prescription bottle of pills and passed it to Hatsuharu.

Hatori had actually gone the extra step and made a fake prescription for Hatsuharu thanks to his friendship to a man who was a prescriptionist, or so at least that was what he called his career.

Hatsuharu read what it said on it. "Moodswing pills. Use after each meal."

He looked up at Hatori with a smile and said,"Thanks."

Hatori smiled back and replied,"No problem."

Hatsuharu stepped off the stage and started walking out of the stage, while Hatori waved at the audience and exclaimed,"Good bye and see you next time!"

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

Just before Hatori could leave the stage, a narrator narrated who the next client AKA patient of his was very briefly and it was...

_"Ayame? What has Ayame done?"_

He wondered what backstabbing video Shigure had videotaped and nearly growled.

_"Stupid Shigure... I can't think up of a random solution when I don't even know what Ayame will be a patient for!"_

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

As the lame and boring credits rolled, Hatori quickly left the stage with his script and quickly headed over to the Main House to wait for Hatsuharu to tell him about the fakeness of his solution, so that he wouldn't eat the pills and harm himself.

_"I should've just put in fake pills instead. . ."_

_**!--DOCTOR HATORI SOHMA--!**_

**AN:** Hey! My re-written version's actually better though I'm still pretty annoyed about re-writing it!

[Well, it is to me, anyways. You wouldn't know anyways, since you haven't seen my two old versions that got screwed up and nearly made me destroy the computer and swear so much that my Dad would have just DIED as I have successfully never made him hear me swear like a curse mouth that I usually am since I admit that I have anger issues too...

But don't worry, for my anger is not nearly as bad as Hatsuharu's or Kyou's! **xDDD;**

Review and possibly even favouritize, please!

[I know why Ayame's chosen, but it's a secret till I write the chapter... **xDDD**


End file.
